Anti-fragile

A book that I started to read is titled “Anti-fragile”. From what I have read, the idea is the following: the more we try to protect ourself from the unexpected by trying to make things predictable and comfortable, the more we make ourselves more fragile. One distinction that the author made was the difference between being anti-fragile and being resilient: a resilient being is able to deal with some critical event and get back on track but an anti-fragile being is thriving in the mids of unexpected.

I started to think about this concept and it seemed to me that is more likely to be a dynamic process (as in, one becomes anti-fragile), and less a given, stable trait. I could find examples of how I made myself more fragile throughout the years. For instance, the shower. In spite of the issue of water and energy expenditure (conscious consumption and sustainability being important values in my life — or so I say), at some point in life I started to not tolerate cool water on my body. My showers became warmer and warmer. But I clearly remember myself before that moment: a child of around 10, during summer, with my cousins near a mountain spring, jumping in the water and practicing floating. The water was cold but we didn't care.

I recognise myself becoming fragile by the constant whining: “Is cold, I don't like cold water! And definitely not my hair, I will get sick”. Suddenly my main preoccupations in life have become avoiding “dangerous” things: to get cold, or to get too hot, and dogs and cats have hair and lay on the ground: don't touch them, they carry germs.

I used to milk the cow when I was a child — her udder was dirty with dung so I washed her udder before milking with just some water. The dung was pretty dry and I am pretty sure that some traces remained on the udder and on my hands. The first cup of milk was always for me: fresh from the cow! And probably not hundred percent sterile. I am still here, I survived. My grandmother, who cared for me then, seemed to be more relaxed about cleanliness. I mean, the summer house had earthen floor.

These days is like this: my son and I are on holiday in the same place where I grew up. There is no cow anymore but chickens. My son got a small swimming pool to entertain himself. I hear myself speaking: “Always get your slippers on! Is dirty on the ground! No, dont throw the slippers in the pool! They are dirty and the water will get dirty and will get in your mouth and you can get sick!”.

That escalated fast, isn't it?

I listen to my parents and how they talk to my son: a lot about being careful, not running, not jumping because he might fall and break a leg. “There is too warm, move over here, because you might get sun burn and a heatstroke”. “That part of the garden is too windy, shall we get some clothes or let’s put some wind breaks else he might get sick”. “Is the water in the pool warm enough? Don’t let him in without checking, he might get sick”. “The soda is from the fridge, is it not too cold? Taste it first, he might get sick”. “A bug!”. My mother promptly kills it, it could bite, you never know and he might get sick.

You never know. Better safe than sorry. Control everything around. It seems that at least part of my obsession with dirt and other dangerous things that might make me sick has a very simple explanation.

When I was noticing our behaviours, what came to Mind were some teachings by the Buddhist writer Pema Chodron on how ardent the ego is trying to control our environment. She was comparing the ego with a house and the ego’s working was to try to keep all the doors and the windows close. Because “what if that or that happens? Is dangerous! We might get sick… and die!”. And in this process, this well intentioned ego that is just interested in our safety and wellbeing makes us prisoners in small dark house. The price of safety seems to be our freedom.

I recognise this prison all too well. I was trying to control my environment because that self-made predictability makes me feel in control and safe. And in the process, I have become the prisoner of my own golden cage: my shower had to be perfect temperature else you hear me scoff and my whole day is ruined if the water, for whatever reason, suddenly changes temperature.

I catch my Mind: “How dare this world behave in any other way than it suits my needs?”. I used to be identified with my Mind and then I actually believed that the universe was after me. After I got to see that my Mind is not me, I felt a lot of shame and I was very upset with my Mind: “How is this possible? I actually went through so much of my life thinking that the whole universe should circle aroud me making sure that all my needs are addressed exactly how I want them to be addressed? What kind of a selfish egocentric person am I?”.

Can you be upset with someone for being what they are, because they cant be differently? For being their absolute authentic self? For doing their best at their job? Can I be upset with my Mind for doing her best at wanting to keep me safe?

Sometime in May my shower had a leakage and for a while I had to improvise my showes as to avoid spilling too much water on the floor. So I used a wet cloth with shower gel on my body and then very fast rinsed the foam off. There was no point to let the boiler heat the water for the minimum amount that I was using. I thought to myself: “This is a great opportunity! Lets try to use this leakage as an opportunity to train to take cold showers!”. And so I did. I used cold water on the washing cloth but I didn't feel the cold because of all that rubbing of the skin. And then my skin was already awake and the cold water stream felt actually pretty pleasant.

It is July now. I take almost all showers with cold water. And after sauna I get in the cold water bath. And what I love the most is the feeling of freedom that I have won: a big part of my Mind is now free to be concerned with other stuff while I enjoy wrestling with my son in the cool water of the swimming pool .